Chuck Norris: Change We Can Believe In
Comments (9)
It's been a whirlwind week in Washington. Congress passed a budget, federal prosecutors passed out indictments and apologies to corrupt lawmakers and Obama passed an offer for renewed partnerships to our European allies. Automakers got an ultimatum, Congress got a draft of a climate bill and pols on both sides of the aisle didn't quite get the mandate they were hoping for in a special election.Â
In any case, our quickly graying commander in chief and the lawmakers in Congress have a helluva lot on their political plates right now. Some officials are already shifting into election mode for the 2010 midterms and presidential hopefuls are popping up on the radar for 2012 -- it's just a matter of months before campaign season creates political gridlock in the capitol.
So if the almighty Obama and the Congress can't save us from the many ills facing our great  Democracy-- a failing economy, education and health care systems near collapse, two wars, environmental crisis, et cetera -- who can?Â
Chuck Norris, of course.Â
The bona fide BAMF was honored earlier this week by another former commander in chief, George H.W. Bush, for his "exemplary achievements as a martial arts legend, entrepreneur and humanitarian."Â
So here's a look at some of the week's most potent political challenges, and what Chuck Norris would do to fix them.Â
THE NEWS: The Obamas are making a splash in London as they try to make diplomatic inroads with world leaders at the G20 Summit. Obama called for an end of "Bush-era diplomacy," meaning more relationships built on interests and politica agendas, less palling around and gazing deep into the soul of one shirt-bucking, baby-kissing world leader.Â
THE CHUCK NORRIS SOLUTION: Â Chuck Norris doesn't need diplomacy. His sex appeal makes ladies swoon; the gents acquiesce to his every demand out of fear that he'll steal their wife. Plus, he'll roundhouse kick anyone who gets in his way.Â
THE NEWS:Â Congress passed Obama's budget Thursday. The ink has barely dried on the GOP's recently released counter budget proposal (with number this time!), but House and Senate Democrats pushed ahead, voting along party lines to approve the $3.5 trillion budget. The budget would fund some of the most ambitions plans on Obama's agenda -- expanding health care coverage, increasing college loans and funding a cap-and-trade program to lower carbon emissions. One problem? The Congressional Budget Office says the federal deficit could balloon from its current $1 trillion to $9.3 trillion over the next 10 years -- that's $2.3 trillion higher than Obama had estimated. Â
THE CN SOLUTION: Â Bottle Chuck Norris' tears and sell them as the elixir of life. Use the gargantuan profits to pay down the deficit, fund overhauls of the ailing education, entitlement program and health care systems and create a program to train every American child in the arts -- the martial arts, of course. The government will be turning a profit in no time, with cash to spare.Â
THE NEWS: Military officials are requesting 10,000 more troops to be deployed to Afghanistan. The announcement comes on the heels of Obama's announcement that he will send an additional 21,000 troops to the region. Â Â
THE CN SOLUTION: Who needs a military when you have a one-man ass-kicking machine? Send special agent Norris to fight off enemy combatants with his fists of steel, nicknamed "freedom" and "justice." Terrorists making a comeback? Puh-lease. One punch from Norris and they'll be sporting flag pins on their lapels.Â
THE NEWS: Attorney General Eric Holder dismissed corruption charges filed against former Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska). Â Stevens, a longtime senator made famous for securing cash for a "Bridge to Nowhere," was convicted of corruption charges this fall for not disclosing certain gifts on his financial disclosure forms. But now the Justice Department admits that federal prosecutors botched the investigation, stripping the senator, who lost his re-election bid in November, of his right to a fair trial.
THE CN SOLUTION: The 85-year-old former senator is nicknamed "The Hulk" -- his office is filled with superhero paraphernalia and he sometimes sports a tie featuring the green giant. Chuck Norris believes old men with superhuman powers stick together. Judge Norris' ruling: conviction overturned and courthouse in which Stevens was tried condemned. Justice is served.
THE NEWS: Voters in upstate New York went to the polls Tuesday to tap a replacement to fill the seat held by Democratic Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, the former representative tapped to fill Madame Secretary Hillary Clinton's Senate seat. Pundits predicted the race would be a barometer for measuring the popularity of Obama's policies and set the tone for 2010.Â
But the final count was too close to call -- the Republican candidate leads by about 60 votes while officials await the tallies from the 10,000 absentee ballots issued.
THE CN SOLUTION: Air a one-second campaign spot with Chuck Norris on local TV; he'll win in a landslide. Worried about political gridlock holding up real change in Washington? Congressman Chuck Norris gets things done:
In his own words: "A philosophy I've developed is once I start something, then by Coca-Cola I'm going to finish it."
Chuck Norris, now that's change we can believe in.
